I’m a girl watcher. I said it before and some people wanted to attack me. I made it clear that I’m a girl watcher because there are some serious offenses being committed and I am unafraid to indict the offenders.
In my original article (“I’m A Girl Watcher”), I talked about the parents who allow their young girls to roll out of the house dressed like adult hookers, and the adult women who dress like hookers but wish to be treated like ladies.
But there are other offenses still.
June brings with it Summertime and a host of clothing violations committed by men and women alike.
There are the women who are grossly overweight, yet still insist on wearing tops that expose the midriff of cottage cheese and stress lines from overextension of skin being pushed beyond human skin stretching capacity, violating laws of physics and biology.
The formula for what your body can typically pull off is a ratio of gym time proportionate to the size of the clothing. In other words, if you are leaking out of your clothing, as opposed to slightly bulging, you should probably put on a larger size.
And, it must be said that men commit size crimes as much, if not more than women.
For example, when Spring sprang, too many men began to cram into the free weight section of the gym, developing their arms and maybe their legs in preparation for the wearing of less clothing.
But, if, like the bears who have been hibernating during the winter months, you still have excess blubber, then you are probably not ready to wear Summer sexy clothing styles.
You see, fellas, the ladies are watching us too, which means that even though your biceps may be toned and massive, the tight shirts will still look like a hot mess over your massive guts.
Spend some time in the abdominal section of the gym before you wear the close-fitting shirt and add a change in diet to your regimen so that you won’t have man boobs or a sixteen month pregnancy.
And, to the young brothers who love the miss-your-butt Hip Hop styles, let’s agree to officially bury a style that was never really stylish.
Really, if your shorts are so baggy they look like gauchos, or your shirt is so huge that it looks like a nightgown, or if your pants are sagging so low that you have full ass exposure, the ladies are smiling because you look like a clown, not because you are fly. Unless you are on your way to the potential sexual victim cellblock in the county jail, you may want to try dressing like a man.
But the offending clothing styles are not just Hip Hop styles.
For the males who think that tight jeans are coming back, stop risking yeast infections and let your boys breathe.
Now, you already know that wardrobe issues are not just for men, so ladies, let’s talk.
Women, some of you talk about how men need women to dress them, but the reality is that there are things that many of you wear that men laugh at or talk about and that should be brought to a stop at all costs.
For example, if your flesh is pushed up beyond the stress limits, or if most of what you are exposing is stretched marked, then it’s not sexy—your days of wearing sexy skimpy clothing are probably over and you need to now dress elegant or classy—translation: more clothing, not less!
Many of us can see bad ideas on other people, but some sisters run out of the house with rusty asses exposed, Double D breastesses straining out of C cups and wide feet leaning and leaking over shoes one or two sizes too small.
Go ahead and get your size, because while you and your friends may think that small sizes are best, they are only best for small women. You will more than likely find your Summer sexy in clothing that fits, because many men love a woman with a regular body style and size.
A look from a man is not always about how sexy you look. I know that the stereotype is that we are only looking because we want to mount whatever we are looking at, but sometimes, it’s like a train wreck—it’s horrible and shocking, but we just can’t look away.
A great example is the undying anti-fashion statement—the Camel Toe. Your behind may look attractive in those tight pants, but if we can see the entire outline of your cookie up front, it’s not fly at all—it’s kinda disgusting.
And, now a word about hair:
Ladies, it is generally accepted that men can’t always tell when a woman is wearing a weave, so suffice it to say, that if we can tell, you probably look ridiculous.
But, really, many of today’s weaves are so cheaply done and so silly looking that it looks as if your head is under Mr. Ed’s ass, with his tail slung over your pate. You should not be buying six bags of hair, because it will look like something a bird should make a home in.
When it comes to hair—men and women, please develop your own style, because if you look like Nerd Girl or Poindexter, dreads or braids will make you look even goofier.
It’s Summertime and the living is easier, but please remember—everything ain’t for everybody.
Our eyes are watching.
Darryl James n is an award-winning author of the forthcoming powerful anthology “Notes From The Edge.” Discounted Autographed and Numbered Pre-Release copies can be ordered at www.darryljames.com. He released his first mini-movie, “Crack,” and this year, will release his first full-length documentary. View previous installments of this column at www.bridgecolumn.proboards36.com. Reach James at firstname.lastname@example.org.