Tuesday, November 21, 2017
Love Haters
By Darryl James (Columnist)
Published November 8, 2007

Some people are lovers. Some people are haters. Some lovers are so beautiful that they can conquer hate. And, some haters are so evil that they hate love and desire to kill love.

There are a number of ways that haters of love show that hatred for love and for lovers.

There are the adulterers who knowingly pursue relationships with married people, and married people who pursue love outside of their marriage. Both parties are in essence, taking love from the married person left behind and killing it where it once lived.

Then there are the messy people who have very little love in their own lives who advise lovers to leave relationships that may be troubled, but may also still be salvageable. These people sometimes provide destructive advice that troubles a relationship that may otherwise be untroubled.

Those who take love from others are robbing them of the precious thing they do not and perhaps, can not possess themselves because for any number, their own ability to secure love has been murdered.

Some lives have been destroyed by horrific childhood events, which excise the ability to love.

Some lives have been emptied of the capacity to love unconditionally by loving the wrong people too many times and never healing from the scars of love gone bad.

And, some lives are rendered devoid of love because for any number of reasons, love has consistently been elusive.

The psychologists will assert that in many cases, people who are incapable of love are also incapable of being around love without having some deep feelings of resentment, jealousy or even anger stirred up.

Whether we recognize them or not, we have all come into contact at some point with someone who is a hater of love. These people may even be family or friends to us, remaining close to us, even while harming us through covertly attacking the love we find and seeking to destroy it.

Here are some examples:

Gary was scarred from face to torso by acne as an adolescent. He tried every acne cream and treatment that the local drug store sold, but nothing worked and as he grew older, the condition only worsened. His skin disorder was so bad that it repelled females from him and decimated his self-esteem, so that he felt that he was undeserving of love anyway.

But Gary was a good person with a good heart, so garnering friends was never a problem, especially after the adolescent years when teens are so focused on looks that friendships can be forged or broken based on a disfigurement. He also garnered friends who came to him for advice based on his keen business knowledge.

In matters of business, he was a good advisor, but when it came to affairs of the heart, his advice was destructive. In love, he advised friends to protect themselves against pain that had yet to show itself, and urged others to avoid love altogether, so that he would not have to share the only love he felt he would see. He couldn’t bear to see anyone with the thing he believed would forever elude him. His words and actions were destructive of love, even though he wasn’t always completely aware of them.

Without always knowing, Gary was a hater of love.

Sherry was a beautiful woman who had made a series of horrible choices in dating. From the time she had her first boyfriend in high school to the last one in college, she had chosen men who were abusive and/or less than faithful. Never once did she look at herself, but placed full blame on the male species she indicted for the crimes of love committed against her.

With friends, her advice was always to abandon a relationship that appeared the slightest bit rocky. Her discussions were always negative and condemning of men. While some of her friends rejected her advice, her toxic, negative influence seeped into the love lives of several open hearts, which eventually closed themselves off to potential happiness.

Sherry was a hater of love.

And, then there was Carla, who had a birth defect that left her with one good eye and a second that drooped closed and wept constantly, detracting from her otherwise good looks. Her hair grew long enough to hide the eye, but the wind, walking or any number of natural events would bring the hair away from her eye, causing it to be revealed to the world—but even more so in Carla’s mind. In addition to her mental outlook repelling potential dates, Carla’s self-esteem was crushed, leaving her feeling that she would never find anyone to love her.

Her physical beauty caught the attention of some men long enough to forge a bond of sexuality, but nothing more, leaving her with a heart that had been broken multiple times but never healed. Her painful experiences rendered her unable to see even the men who loved her beautiful personality and keen mind. In her mind, they all saw her defect and were repulsed. Anger and sadness were close friends of Carla’s and the advice she gave to friends and family was based on the hopelessness, fear and pain she felt.

She was also a hater of love.

Because neither Gary, nor Sherry nor Carla were outwardly evil people to friends and family members, it was easy for their words of “wisdom” packaged in genuine concern to be mistaken for sound advice. But what was happening silently and invisibly, was that they were killing love amongst those who would listen to their words borne of pain and anguish, jealousy and fear.

Some haters of love have no idea that their words and actions are weapons formed against happiness, rendering them enemies of love.

Some haters of love are aware that they are destroying love. They do so in order to keep friends close to them, or to have loved ones share in their misery of loneliness, and therefore be less lonely.

In many ways, their taking of love is similar to the taking of life and love by murder. The net result is that love is dead.

When love is murdered, it is irretrievable, sometimes creating new bitter hearts, closed off to something that frequently, hurts too much to bear.

Think about the friends and family members you hold near and dear. Where have they stood in times of relationship turmoil in your lives? And, in retrospect, have they provided you with advice that saved you from heartache, or have they given you poison which sickened or murdered the love that could have held you for life?

If we allow others to kill the love in our lives, we are accomplices to murder, killing that which we hold near and dear.

The duty of each of us who wish to be in love is to watch the actions of those around us, taking care to examine their words to see if they are friends or foes of love. We must look closely to see if they are shoring us up against real pain, or if they are simply delivering to us their jaded view of love.

We can love those who have been wounded by love, but we can also protect our love from those who would take it from us, or assist in the removal of love from our lives. We can do this by following our own hearts and minds and by generally keeping our love lives private.

Sometimes the loss of love can not be avoided. It can die a natural death or leave on the wings of death.

But sometimes, the loss of love is unnatural and not of our own volition, which means that sometimes we can stop love from being taken away from us.

We can stop the killing of love in general by avoiding the haters of love.

Darryl James n is an award-winning author who is now a filmmaker. His first mini-movie, “Crack,” was released in March of 2006. He is currently filming a full length documentary. James’ latest book, “Bridging The Black Gender Gap,” is the basis of his lectures and seminars. Previous installments of this column can now be viewed at www.bridgecolumn.com. James can be reached at djames@theBlackgendergap.com.

Categories: Opinion

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