Sunday, September 24, 2017
JUS AX FRED Solving your relationship problems one paragraph at a time
By Fred Hawthorne
Published July 18, 2013

Dear Fred,

     I am divorced, in my late 30’s with three kids.  I was married young and have been divorced almost ten years.  I thought when I got divorced I had finally realized what I wanted in a partner and a relationship.  But somehow, I just don’t seem to attract the type of man that will complement me.  I had one long-term relationship post divorce that had some great components that I was missing in my marriage like friendship.  Unfortunately, he wasn’t as ready to settle down as I was.  Many men in my age range and a little older are already burned out on the fairytale love story.  They want a companion but are missing that whole “butterflies in my stomach” part of falling in love again. How do I find someone at this stage in life that will be able to still be able to give me that piece that I yearn for?  Is it even realistic at my age? 


The hopeless romantic…


Hopeless Romantic,

They say, “You become your thoughts.” Writing with apprehension towards love leads me to believe that YOU have doubts about true love.  True love can be gained at any age. As the woman in the relationship you must have solidarity with your past relationships.  You directly and indirectly have blamed both men for the separation.  Your mirror still reflects shadows of doubt. In order for you to attract true love, you must be truly in love with yourself.  Being divorced with three children must be seen as an attribute for your next relationship, not as negative baggage.  There are plenty of men that are willing to fall in love with you and your three children, but first your glass must reflect half full, inviting a man to pour in his half glass to make a whole.


Dear Fred,

     I was in a seven-year relationship with the man I believed to be my soul mate.  Undoubtedly, we have a very karmic connection.  Throughout the relationship there were times when I questioned his faithfulness to me.  After all these years I stumbled upon Pandora’s box if you will of all of his conquests during our relationship.  He was apologetic, cried and promised it would never happen again.  As everything began to unravel, I discovered it had basically been a problem our entire relationship with multiple women even when we lived together.  It was very hard for me to believe because we have such a great connection.  We each have children from a previous marriage and had meshed our families together.  I thought we were a family and I thought him and I were going to grow old together.  He moved out and we continued to spend time together trying to mend the relationship.  He said he needed to get on his feet and figure out why he would of done those things when he had everything he wanted in me. Of course it got worse before it could get better and now he says he is finally ready to work things through with a level head. I feel conflicted because in some ways I would love to be with him because I feel we are soul mates. It’s very hard to describe.  On the other hand, trust and respect is gone and I feel somewhat poisoned from all that happened. If I finally walk away I feel like I will be losing a part of me but I don’t know how I will feel about myself if I stay.  How do I know if this is the partner for me, or if I should keep moving apart from him?


Confused :-/



I equate your concerns to a broken mirror. Even when you put it back together, the fragmented lines will always remain. This holds true in your relationship. Even if you decide to mend the issues they will still be visible leaving you unable to see a true and full reflection of a complete relationship.  First, I would ask that you stop calling him your soul mate. Soul mates are connected spiritually and ordained by a higher power.  He is simply a man that sold you the shell of a real man with no internal workings. 

Also, he has stripped you of your self-esteem.  Thinking and possibly believing you can have a true relationship with this man are figments of your imagination.  Insanity is repeating the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.  Don’t you believe you have cried and lost enough sleep over this man?  It’s time for you to move on, develop and redefine what a soul mate is.

I know you are not writing me because you do not know the answer; you are writing me because you currently do not have the strength and the courage to leave and never look back. 

I challenge you to leave that broken mirror where it fell.  Don’t bother attempting to put it back together again.  Try putting back together your self-esteem and confidence this man stole from you. 

Finally, you want a man that will breathe life into you, inspiring you to fall deeper in love every moment you two are together.



Dear Fred,

I have tried the online dating scene without much success- part of me knows that I am picky about the men I date, but the other part of me just finds the entire process awkward at best. 


What are your thoughts on how a woman can increase her appeal based on profile contents, photos, and even sending the first email? What are ways to make the first date less weird? And what do you do when you meet someone for the first time and they are completely different looking from their online photos??


In Need of Online Help


Online Dater:

Online dating in some respect has become the new nightclub. I would suggest if you become interested with a profile online, feel free to send the first email.  Someone has to sound the gun to begin the race.  Once contact is made plan a Face Time or Skype date to confirm that their pictures resemble that of their profile.  That last thing you would want to happen is to fall in love with a lie prior to meeting.  Extinguish as many unknown variables as possible.

In terms of making yourself more appealing add lifestyle pictures of yourself, pictures of you at work, hiking, running, etc.… This will make you more appealing as well as bring your words to life for your potential dater.  Also, similar to many business mantras, “Under sell and always over deliver.”  Leave something to your date’s imagination.  Know there will be awkwardness during first encounters no matter the meeting.  On the other hand, having that Face Time or Skype first date will ease many of your apprehensions you may have during your first meeting.

Lastly, change your entire stance towards online dating.  The energy of your words has led me to believe you are beginning to view the process as cumbersome and unfruitful.  Dating no matter online or in person should be viewed as an opportunity, not a requirement.  And always know your energy will project itself along with your pictures and words to your potential dater.

Bon Appétit!


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